i really should work on framing my photographs better. love the look on taylor's face in the second pic. it's like she just turned around...L

more san diego pics...L

some san diego pics...

it's funny. how we grow, change and develop. sometimes not even aware of the subtle changes in our life. like how this year marks 30 years since my high school graduation. how i'm a single mom. how i can't remember the last time i sat down and cried over my life as a single mom, my divorce, my panic of trying to do it all. how my 16 year old daughter is a junior in high school. and my other 15 year old started high school this year. and that my almost 12 year old is in her last year of elementary school. and my baby is almost nine. and i have a grandchild. and a daughter who owns her own home. and my son is a blessing to me and my girls right now. how i used to scrapbook voraciously and hardly do it anymore. how i wish i could find the time to take more photographs. how life changes in an instant and not at all--at the same time. but i'm grateful for my lovely kids, the wonderful blessing they are. what joy they bring me...L

My summer teacher gave us a day off. so i decided to take half my kids to pinetop. mind you when i say half my kids--that is still three kids. so taylor, anna, haley and i went and spent three glorious days in seventy degree weather. 70 degrees cooler than mesa. i finished 'the book thief' and we watched harry potter movies all weekend long. plus went out for pizza. i went walking every morning, even though a local woman was attacked by a bear less than 1/4 mile from my parents home. a lovely way to spend the weekend. it was just so nice to be lazy and do nothing. then i came home to this:



my ceiling in my bathroom fell in. again. less than a year later. welcome home...L

ballerinas.








ballet lessons. i have been thinking for sometime that i wanted the girls to take dance lessons. all of my older girls took lessons when they were young. however, with being a single mom, and going to graduate school, there wasn't time, nor money, to invest in this. but i decided that summer lessons would be perfect. i picked up a flyer and let the girls choose what they wanted to take. i was sure that they would pick hip-hop, jazz, or gymnastics. nope. they both wanted to take ballet. i remember taking ballet for at least 6 years. then when it was time to go on my toes i quit. but i love ballet. for several reasons. one--it's french. arabesque, plié, jeté, rond de jambe á terre. two--it's graceful. ballerina's dance so seemingly effortlessly. three--it's beautiful. the pink tights, the hair up in a chignon, the simple outfits. four--it's classic. it's an art form that is amazing and lovely and has been around forever. maybe i have the next martha graham...

Radiohead vs Dave Brubeck - Five Step (mashup by Overdub)

my friend did this in some phone app. cool huh? oh, summer school starts today. shoot me now. i enjoyed a little time off. i got to watch season three of dexter, read a few books, enjoy the girls (and boy) and watch a few seasons of 'thirtysomething.' anyone old enough to remember that show? although i was in my twenties when it aired i always loved that show. and now 20+ years looking back at it is really fun. someone on the show got their first monstrous computer. no cell phones, no ipads, no laptops, etc. but relationships, feelings--those things never change. its fun to see how the single people and the married people are on the show. i can identify with each one of them--the mom, the single mom, the married mom, and now the single girl. all very real, with real-life problems.

ok--so the other day i took my two teenage daughters to the mall. along the drive there the song S&M came on by rhianna. i admit i like this song. so one of the girls asked what it all meant. i'm trying to explain it. then that led to a discussion of STD's. which led to a discussion of sex in general. i've always been open and honest with my children about sex. so the topic of masterbation came up. i'm trying to explain all this openly and honestly but some things started coming up out of that so that by the end of the discussion i was laughing so hard i was crying. then one of the girls said later--what was that thing? masterbution? wait, you can't have sex by yourself. CAN YOU? the killer to the ending of that was my daughter saying "you need a boy don't you?" i laughed the rest of the day about it. so if you are in dire need of a good gut busting laugh just talk to your teenagers about sex. i guarantee hilarity...L

whoa, its been a while since i blogged. or felt like blogging. and since i only have maybe two readers then it doesn't make much sense to blog. except its sort of like a little journal for me. a journal that me and two others get to read. haha

so much and so little has been happening. whats the old saying--the more things change, the more they stay the same. that is life. I finished my first semester of grad school. i ended up getting two A+ grades which made my semester GPA a 4.17. of course those finals that took place had me in tears and in super freak out mode. it was brutal. being a single mom is tough without placing a person into having to study on a daily basis. i also started subbing which was fun/work. and next tuesday i go back for summer school. 4 nights a week for the rest of summer. not. looking. forward. to. that.

dating. ha. dating is not really happening right now. well, unless you count the gay guy i dated for six months dating. i prefer not to. lets just say that i am not going in to the match making business. i can't even pick men for me. i don't do the online dating thing, i don't really have a job that would position me to meet anyone, and so i am left in this weird no date zone. i alternate between feeling lonely and feeling free from any relationship. most of the time i am completely fine with my life. i know that being single has its ups and downs just like being married does. personally for me the highs and lows of single life far outweigh the heavy burden of being married to a/an (insert any adjective) man. however i go through patches of wondering how this will all play out. i get a little dejected from time to time.

other than that life is the same. the girls keep me busy. dallas is home and working and going to start up at ASU in the fall. my grandson is almost a year and a half old and brianne and jeff will be moving in to their first house this summer. a fun story about dallas. of course all stories of dallas are usually fun. he was complaining one night about me raising him like a girl. he said he wanted to buy some 'bumble and bumble' hair products when he got his first paycheck. i told him i couldn't believe he knew what bumble and bumble was. he said "well, its your fault for always taking me to the beauty salon to get my hair cut. i asked my roomate one day what 'product' he used in his hair and he said 'what the H are you talking about.' mom, you raised me like a girl!!!" anyway--we laughed about that. later on dallas told his gay boss (not the guy i dated, this is a different gay) that story. his boss told dallas "i'm gay and i don't even use the word product." haha i thought that was pretty funny.

ok. later i will post some pictures of italy on here. i finally got through editing all of them. photoshop was my bff there for a while.

happy memorial day to everyone...L

Sexy Twilight Back - Justin Timberlake vs 2 Unlimited

someone turned 16 on tuesday. Taylor Anne. Hard to believe that she is old enough to drive. I love this girl. She has great taste in music, literature, and movies. She loves sushi and 80's music. She has expanded her wardrobe beyond black and converse hightops. She gets wonderful grades, keeps her room clean and helps me out a ton. She has a funny sense of humor and wants to work for the CIA. We had a wondeful birthday celebration that started off with a bang. literally. I took her to shoot a gun at an indoor range. sushi for lunch. a movie with her brother. then pete's fish and chips for dinner. a giant snicker doodle for dessert. and no school. perfect. just like her...L

Knock Out Eileen (LL Cool J vs Dexy's Midnight Runners)

it was a sick day here today. my littlest baby. and since i just finished reading "understanding exposure" i thought i would put my knowledge to use in taking some pictures. i was quite pleased with the quality and noticed a difference. can't wait to take more pictures when all of my kids and grandchild is here next week...L

just a scrapbook page about V-day...L

so, yesterday i gave a talk in church. my bishop asked me a few months ago to talk about being single in the church. a daunting task. i lost a few sleepless nights over it. however, i felt pretty good about what i was going to say--about my experiences of being single in the church. since this is technically "my journal" i'm going to put it here so that i can look back at it. however, the best part of my talk (other than when it was over haha) was afterwards. so many people came up to me and hugged me, and thanked me for being so candid and honest and for representing the singles in my ward. married people thanked me as well. i recieved an email from a single woman in my ward and a family brought me and the girls cookies and a thank you note as well. it was all so touching to me and made me grateful to have so many caring and thoughtful people in my ward...L

Good morning everyone. The Bishop asked me to speak today about being single in the church. I told several people about my assigned topic, and after most of them asked me ‘no, what are you really talking about?’ I received a lot of advice—ranging from “you should really give it to them” from some single people to my oldest daughter who admonished me to go easy on you. I’d like to preface my talk by saying that my experiences and feelings as a single member of the church might differ from another single persons. Some singles are male, some are widowed, and some have never married. Some are older, some are younger. A number of us are single parents and others have no children. I pray that I will handle this topic with sincerity and honesty and tell you the feelings of my heart.

My first thought about this subject—other than the fact that I do have a lot of experience in this area--is that being single in the church is not the same as being single in the gospel. In the gospel of Jesus Christ, we are all equal, we are all loved. Race, gender, financial status, converts or life long members—these are not factored in. We are all God’s children and we are all looked upon the same. However, in the church it doesn’t work that way exactly, because the church is made up of imperfect people. Including myself.

I wanted to find some sort of analogy that would be a good visual at understanding what it feels like to be single in the church. Imagine that you get invited to a party. There are about 300 people there and you walk in wearing shorts, a t-shirt and flip-flops only to see every other person in black-tie formal wear. Can you picture that? Can you imagine your feelings? Would you feel self-conscious, alone, embarrassed, thinking everyone is looking at you and talking about you, mad at yourself, and tempted to leave and go home? That’s pretty much what it feels like to be single in the church. You got invited—that’s the important part—but you don’t feel like you fit in. If I could use only one word to describe what it feels like to be single in the church I would say “lonely.”

From the time we are little in the church there is a pattern we follow. You get baptized, and if you’re a boy you go on a mission and if you’re a girl you go to BYU. You wait for your missionary or you find another RM and get married in the temple, have 4 children and live happily ever after. Now, I’m partly joking, but there is some truth to this. When your life doesn’t follow this pattern you feel that you are not in the circle of the church anymore—you are now on the outside looking in. You feel like you don’t belong and it’s a lonely feeling. The two instances that remind me most that I am single are when I go to bed at night and when I walk into church. All other times you might be conscious of it but you have work, kids, school, daily life, etc. to distract you. So the first thing I would ask the married members to do is to be friendly, and say hello to the single members. Trust me—the minute singles walk in that door, they’re faced with isolation and feeling disconnected. Of course, we single members need to meet you halfway as well.

When you are single there is not as much opportunity to make friends in the ward either. When you’re married you have more chances to make friends. Couples invite each other to go out on weekends, there are elders quorum parties to go to and meet people in the ward, and there are adult ward parties for couples. And even though I know that I am welcome at an adult ward party it is awkward to go to events by your self. Singles don’t have that opportunity to mix as much, or get to know people as well. Then when you are at church, most of the lessons taught are about how to make your marriage work or are about families, raising kids, and if you don’t have that in your life you wonder why you are there. Lets face it—a large part of the church is social. If it weren’t then people wouldn’t be upset when ward boundaries change.

The first time I was single I was in my 20’s and I had two small children. I was the only person in my ward that was divorced. I had no friends, no home teachers, no visiting teachers, not a soul that ever was friendly towards me and made me feel welcome. After a while I just quit going and became inactive. When I read this talk to my girls they said “mom, don’t tell them you were inactive.” But I believe in being honest and sharing how truly difficult it is to be single in the church. I truly felt like I was all alone, like I was an outcast. I don’t blame anyone for my inactivity except for myself. That was my choice. However, I think that single people need good home teachers and good visiting teachers, and an understanding bishopric. I am grateful that I have all of that in this ward. A funny story—my visiting teacher came over one day to visit me and she commented on how nice I looked and pretty and was I going somewhere special. At this point I had to say to her “Denise, I’m single. I have to try and look good all the time.”

I’d like to relate a personal story that happened to me recently. About six months ago as I came to church and sat down; I was worn out and tired, feeling overwhelmed and inadequate, and I looked around and wondered why I was here at church. In my head I talked with God and told him that if I were supposed to be here that one of the speakers would speak directly to me, and that if not then I wasn’t coming back. Well, the two youth speakers did well, but it wasn’t for me. A returned missionary spoke and had a great talk but it wasn’t my talk. Then a high councilman got up and the first thing he said was that his wife had been admonishing him in his talks to make it more personal and to talk about his life. So he started to talk about how his parents had divorced when he was young and how hard it was for his mom and his brothers and him. He spoke about how members get caught up with lists of all the things we are supposed to be doing. And how the basics are what we should concentrate on—having prayer, reading the scriptures, and having family home evening. All the things that I was doing with my girls. And I knew then that Heavenly Father was listening to me, he knows how hard it is to be a single parent, he knows my trials, he knows that I am on this road alone, he listens and answers my prayers so that I know he is there. It gave me hope and courage and strength. But I will tell you that through all that I still struggle with coming to church at times. It’s not always easy. I sometimes feel that church is always structured towards couples with children. But I know that Satan wants me to feel inadequate and useless and stay at home. In D&C 122:7 God is speaking to Joseph Smith in the liberty jail and he tells him “above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” I know that in my experiences of being single I am learning things I could never learn otherwise.

In a 2008 Ensign, an article entitled “single and steadfast” said. “finding satisfaction, meaning and happiness in life may require singles to first confront their sense of loss and then learn to live more peacefully with what is neither ignoring nor emphasizing the future. Getting married is not the sole definition of success for singles. Success also includes being courageous and faithful in the face of loneliness and uncertainty, though it may not be the success singles most want.” In Proverbs 3:5 it says “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.” Lets face it—some times we are not going to know why we undergo all the trials that we do. We can’t see as the Lord sees, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. All of us have our trials and hardships. The trick is to find peace and contentment no matter what adversity you have to face. There is a reason I’m single. I don’t know why, but I do know that as I try to be brave, and faithful that the Lord will bless me. Maybe not in the form of a husband, but in other ways. However, if anyone knows a tall, dark, handsome, single guy, you know where I live.

In closing I found a few articles in this month’s Ensign that dealt with being single. Joseph B. Wirthlin said “quote article step-by-step”. Another article entitled ‘similarities and differences’ stated that “we are all God’s children is our common heritage. Our differences lie only in the details and the packaging of our lives…but the similarities among Heavenly Father’s sons and daughters are so great that if we choose to focus on them instead of our differences, unity is bound to increase. I pray that we will all focus on our similarities and overlook the differences. When reading my talk my girls they said “mom, its so negative, can’t you tell them some positive things. So the positive side of being single is that I never have to ask permission to buy a new pair of shoes. I want my children to know that they are the biggest blessing in my life and I’m so grateful to them and love them dearly.

valentines day as a single mom. i had a lot of fun making cards for the girls, baking some red velvet brownies with cream cheese frosting, and picking out a balloon bouquet. I had to go to school that night so i pre-ordered papa johns heart-shaped pizza as well. no one else in the world i love more than my children...L

a new layout--featuring a beautiful daughter...L

as true to my word. the other day anna went to a sleepover/party with her friends and got all dressed up. she even let carson do her hair. which NEVER happens. she was so cute i took her outside to get some pictures. anna is truly beautiful inside and out...L

i haven't scrapped for a while. i haven't taken very many pictures either. i want that to change this year. scrapbooking is the longest lasting hobby i have had. i still sew now and again, and i still read, but scrapbooking just changed a lot of things in my life. it gave me several friendships that i could never imagine not having, it sparked my interest in taking pictures and it gave me a creative outlet. so these are two layouts i did yesterday. of two sweet girls in my life...L

i made a goal with myself once a month to sort of sum up the month in the life of me and the girls and take a photo as well. so at the end of the year me (and whoever else wants to) can see how everything evolved. see where we started at the beginning of 2011 and see where we end up when it closes. as you can see i waited to late to get a photo of everyone so this month will be just me.

JANUARY

the year started with a bang! literally. this was the first year that i can ever remember fireworks being sold in AZ. and sold LEGALLY. dallas was here and we all stayed up and tore up the backyard with our pyrotechnics. it was oodles of fun.

also this month, on the 19th, i turned 48. it coincided with graduate school starting so there was not much of a celebration. however, i took the whole week to do some mini celebrations with lunch at places i enjoyed, i ordered season three of dexter, and the book 'water for elephants,' and i treated myself to a midday movie--black swan. i joined the gym a few months ago and have lost ten pounds.

i started graduate school. i got my intern placement at Mesa Prep Academy and work there one day a week. Last week was my first day and all day all i could think of was--this will be me someday. i will have my own class. i love teaching, i love school. i was incredibly happy with the choice i made to get my masters in education. only a year and a half to go.

the girls are growing up on me. i cannot stop time. my baby turned eight and got baptized last month. anna will be starting young women's in october. taylor does nothing but think about where she will go to college. chicago or japan? who knows next week. carson is toying with the idea of going to law school. all my girls are so beautiful and lovely and smart. i'm very lucky.

this month taylor got her driver's permit. it has been lots of fun to see her learn to drive. she is doing really well. panic attacks are down to a minimum. she even makes left turns now without hyperventilating. carson gave a beautiful talk in church and i got called to be haley's primary teacher.

now on to february...L

my grandson just turned a year old yesterday. happy birthday logan...L